


Holding on to You

by Itty_Bitty_Blondie



Series: Fillory and back again [1]
Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: 4x05, 4x06, Angst, Canon Compliant, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Julia POV, Julia is a good friend, M/M, Missing Scene, Season/Series 04, post 4x04
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-14
Updated: 2019-03-14
Packaged: 2019-11-16 14:11:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18095867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Itty_Bitty_Blondie/pseuds/Itty_Bitty_Blondie
Summary: Julia had never forgotten that it was Eliot who got her off of her couch. Everything was so fucked up afterwards that it got lost somewhere in the aftermath, but it had remained stuck in the back of her mind. It didn’t make them friends, not by a long shot, but they both love Q, and they save the world together sometimes, which had to count for something.





	Holding on to You

**Author's Note:**

> A look at Julia's thoughts so far in Season 4. Slight content warning for briefly mentioned suicidal intent/self-harm consistent with themes in the show.

Julia had never forgotten that it was Eliot who got her off of her couch. Everything was so fucked up afterwards that it kind of got lost in somewhere in the aftermath for a while, but it had remained stuck in the back of her mind. It didn’t make them friends, not by a long shot, but they both love Q, and they save the world together sometimes, which had to count for something. She cared about him in a twisted kind of way, so Julia didn’t like seeing that thing in his body. The way that it moved and talked set her teeth on edge. She couldn’t imagine what it was doing to Quentin. 

Eliot and Quentin’s relationship was one of the few topics that they’d never really spoken about. Obviously, they were good friends, best friends even but Q’s early days at Brakebills were still a bit of a tender spot for both of them, so the story of how they had come to be Q and El was not one she knew. Quentin on the other hand, she knew very well.

Quentin had never bonded quickly, but once he did, he was challenging to get rid of. Generally, his friendships were the result of someone else adopting him and never letting go. Margo and Eliot were perfectly set up for doing exactly that, so Julia had no problems imagining how it had unfolded. There was an edge to their relationship though; it was there even the first time she’d met Eliot in Marina’s safe house. They orbited around each other, always aware of what the other person was doing, reaching out but never quite touching. At first, she’d thought maybe Q had a crush, but the more she watched the clearer it became that it was more profound than that. 

The only time she’d seen any cracks in their relationship had been right after they found the third key and their trip into Fillory’s past that hadn’t actually happened. For the most part, she’d been too distracted by Alice to pay too much attention, but something had shifted. They were more in tune than ever, but they didn’t touch each other casually any more. Q seemed to be finally moving on from his dumpster fire of a relationship with Alice, which should have been great, but he’d seemed sadder somehow when he thought no one was looking—when he thought Eliot wasn’t looking. 

Of course, then they’d tried to save magic, again, and fucked it up, again, and Julia had other things to be focusing on. So really it wasn’t unreasonable that she hadn’t given Q’s relationship with Eliot more than a cursory thought while they were getting the Deweys, or even after his dad died. It wasn’t until he’d come back to Marina’s looking a thousand times worse than when he left, that she took enough time to properly listen. 

When Julia went into the kitchen looking for coffee, Quentin was sat at the breakfast bar, staring blankly at his hands. 

“Hey Q, you’re early. How’d it go?” she asked. 

His shoulders tensed slightly when she spoke, before slowly meeting her eyes. They were blank in a way Julia hadn’t seen in a long time, and a feeling of dread began to pool in her gut. 

“It—Eliot’s dead.” 

“What? How do you know?” 

“It told me. I think it figured that I’d be more useful if I weren’t pining over Eliot.” He said with a sigh before pressing his face into his hands. 

“Oh, Q—” 

She couldn’t find a way to confront the grief hidden behind his words. The news shouldn’t have been that shocking; obviously, Jules knew that this was a possibility, but she’d tried not to think about it too much. Looking at her best friend, she could see the same thing reflected on his face. Quentin took another deep rattling breath, before something shuttered in his eyes, and his face lost any expression. 

“So, now we know there’s nothing to stop us from taking it down. All we need is a plan.” 

“Are you sure—”

“Yes,” he cut her off “We deal with it. Eliot deserves that much from us.” 

She studied his face for a second, still unconvinced, but she’d known Quentin long enough to tell when a topic was no longer up for discussion. 

“Okay, we’ll keep looking.” 

He nodded at her before looking to the door. “I’m gonna go— “ 

“Yeah, that’s fine. I have a… goddess thing with Shoshana.”

“Okay, yeah” he nodded once more, before turning towards the library. 

As soon as he was out of her eye line, she slumped against the kitchen island. Eliot had always seemed somewhat larger than life to her. He was loud and eccentric and strangely caring, though he’d probably never have admitted it to a sole. Julia couldn’t quite get her head around the fact that he was dead. Tears stung at the corner of her eye, and grief rolled through her body, surprising in its intensity. Eliot was Q’s friend, but she wasn’t mourning him for Q’s sake. Fuck this wasn’t fair, on any of them. The prospect of taking down the monster wasn’t one she relished either. She was only holding onto Q’s sanity by the fingertips as it was, actually being the one to finally kill the thing in Eliot’s body was going to crush Quentin, and Margo, and probably the rest of them too. 

Julia’s quiet musings were broken a minute later. “My Lady, there you are. How did you sleep?” Shoshana bustled into the kitchen, as eager as ever. Julia forced a smile as she looked at the other woman. 

“Fine Shoshana, thank you. Should we get started?” 

She decided to push thoughts of Eliot away, for now, they would deal with the monster later. Figuring out the whole goddess thing was probably one of their best leads. She just hoped that whatever they had to do in the meantime didn’t break Q. None of them would be able to cope with losing someone else. 

…

“Look, not to be a dick, but, uh, drawing blood from a stone is a saying for a reason,” Q said as he crossed the kitchen. 

“Yeah, I know. She wasn't in the mood to elaborate.” Jules knew that Iris’ ‘offer’ was probably the best shot they were going to get at trapping the monster properly.

“Yeah, she was too busy making threats.” Shoshana chimed in, and Julia resisted the urge to roll her eyes. 

“Shoshana has her reservations, but we have no choice, so” Really Julia had some reservations of her own, even without Shoshana’s input, but the longer the monster walked around with Eliot’s face the further Q would drift.

“Wait, what reservations?” Quentin asked. 

“Well, Shoshana thinks that”

“- Iris can't be trusted.” Shoshana chimed in again. 

“Okay?” Quentin looked up at her with a questioning glance. 

“That bitch is all sketch. Bacchus hated her.”

“Why, did she, uh, give him an intervention?” 

“No, he wouldn't say. And he told me everything, Okay.” Shoshana had the bit between her teeth now, her words running into each other “Look, the point is, Iris talked him into doing something a long time ago, okay, and the fact that he wouldn't say what it was? That should be enough to scare us off.”

“Look, we don't have a choice, Iris made that damn clear.” Jules snapped “So if you could help us.”

“- I am helping.”

“No, Shoshana, you're getting in the way.” She replied more gently. Julia knew that Shoshana had the best of intentions, but even without the ultimatum this really was their only option at the moment. For Q’s sake if nothing else. 

“No, she's right. We have to do this.” Quentin said. 

“Q, if this works, Eliot will be locked in Castle Blackspire forever,” Julia said, studying his face for any trace of emotion. Honestly, Julia was surprised at how calmly he was taking the plan. Some part of her had expected him to fight it at least a little bit. Instead, he just seemed numb. 

“Eliot's dead,” Quentin replied simply. “And the Monster's coming back here. So let's figure this out before he does.” 

Julia couldn’t meet his eyes as she nodded slightly. She decided not to press the issue for the time being. As hard as it was, they didn’t have the time to fall apart right now. There would be space for it later. For the time being, they had a stone to bleed. 

… 

Julia found Q lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling and hugging a pillow to his chest. She entered the room slowly, trying not to make him jump. 

“Hey,” she said softly. 

Quentin looked up at her with a small smile and patted the comforter next to him. Julia settled on her side, so they were lying face to face, bodies curved towards one another. She held her breath, and they stayed there, listening to the ticking of the bedside clock, both unwilling to start the conversation. 

“Has Alice left?” she asked gently. 

“Yeah.” Quentin breathed. 

“What was she doing here?” 

“Uh—she found my book in the library. The plan was going to fail. She came to help.”

Julia could hear the thing that he wasn’t saying. Without Alice’s help, they would have failed. Julia didn’t think she was quite ready to process what losing Q would look like. There had been times when it felt like he was sitting on the edge of something, staring into the void and daring it to pull him in. This was different. Now he just didn’t seem to care either way. 

Jules took a real look at him, she could see that he hadn’t changed his shirt yet. The back was stained with the black blood from the stone. She wanted to believe that Eliot was really alive, but she couldn’t quite shake the feeling that this all might be another one of the Monster’s games. The gnawing feeling from before returned to her stomach. 

“How can you be sure that it wasn’t the Monster messing with you.” 

“No” Quentin insisted “it was him. I could see it in his eyes.”

She took a long look at his face and suddenly the answer was painfully obvious. All of the wisps of feelings she had caught while she was juiced up, the changes in their relationship, the devastated looks Q had been giving the Monster all made perfect sense. 

“How long have you been in love with him Q?” She asked gently. 

Quentin’s wide eyes snapped up to meet hers, mouth hanging open slightly in shock.  
“I… um, well, I- I wouldn’t say that I—um, well, I’m not—we aren’t, um, we weren’t like that.” 

“Right, but you do?” 

Quentin took a deep breath. “I—yeah. I really do Jules.” The look on his face was heart-wrenching. 

“Okay, do you want to talk about it?” 

I don’t—I don’t know how to” he made a gesture with one hand “I can’t talk about it right now. I just need him so—” he trailed off.  
“So we’ll get him back. Whatever it takes” She said, trying to sound more confident than she felt. It might have worked, but Q’s only response was a quiet “I hope so” and a broken smile. Julia could tell that she was missing a part of the story, but this didn’t seem like the time to push for answers. 

The only thing Julia could do was put her arms around him. Quentin fell into the embrace, ducking his head into the curve of her shoulder. Julia rested her cheek on his head and tightened her arms against the slight shake of his shoulders, as though she could hold the fracturing pieces of him together if only she hugged him hard enough. It had been a long time since she’d worried about Q in this way since she’d felt the itch under her skin every time she left him that said it might be the last time. Old habits were resurfacing, like how she’d keep an eye on sharp objects in the flat or look for slight traces of blood under his nails. 

Realising that Eliot wasn’t dead had woken something in Q, desperate and self-destructive and so much scarier than the numbness from before. He had nothing but Eliot to loose now, and she had a feeling that there was nothing that he wouldn’t do to get him back. 

The only thing Julia could do was to keep holding on to him as tightly as she could and pray she wouldn’t find out exactly how far Q would go. 

… 

Somehow, Julia hadn’t considered that the Monster might kill Quentin. With the exception of the first time she’d met it, it had always been strangely protective over him. It was something that she had been counting on if she was truly honest. 

It was like a child in so many ways. They took away the part of me that knows things isn’t that what it had said? All that power in the hands of an angry, impulsive child with no context for the stuff it was feeling. The resentment that the monster had for Eliot made sense in a way. It could tell that he stole Q’s attention and if there was one thing that it wanted other than the gods, it was Quentin’s attention. 

Julia didn’t want it to kill Eliot any more than Q did, but he was so blatant about how much Eliot meant to him. Yes, he had found leverage that would work against the Monster, but he’d also tipped his hand. It now knew just how far Quentin would go for Eliot, and she was sure it would use this information to its advantage. 

Jules was so fucking terrified. She was scared of the Monster, afraid for Quentin, scared for Eliot. 

The jumble of fear was still radiating through her when she found Quentin in his room, nursing a glass of some kind of dark liquor. 

“Q” 

“Not now Julia, please.” 

“Yes now, Quintin” she shot back, suddenly furious at him for being so fucking careless with his own safety. “What the hell were you thinking?” 

“It was going to kill him Jules” Something wild flashed in his eyes as he launched the glass at the wall. It shattered, spreading dark liquid and shards of glass over the dresser. “It was going to kill him because it’s bored” he laughed bitterly before burying his head in his hands and slumping down on the bed. 

Julia was shocked into silence for a second. She hovered by the bed for a second debating whether to press on and risk getting into an argument or leave him alone. Swallowing her anger, she gently placed one hand on his shoulder and knelt, so they were almost face to face. 

“It could have killed you too Q.” 

“I can’t lose him, Jules, not now I’ve almost got him back.” 

“I know sweetheart” She replied, stroking his hair back from his face. “But think about what it would do to Eliot if we got him back and it had killed you in his body.” 

It wo—”

“Today it nearly did.” 

Quentin dropped his hands and looked at her properly for the first time. At that moment he seemed painfully young. The pain and desperation were evident in his eyes.

“Please don’t make the rest of us lose you too.” She continued gently. “I don’t think Margo could take it. I couldn’t take it Q.” 

“Okay, I’ll try” he replied after a long pause. It wasn’t a definite answer, but it was enough to calm the rolling in her stomach for a while. She nodded at him before pushing him back onto the bed and lying next to him. 

After a moment he let himself curl into her side, and Jules felt a familiar pang of intense fondness for him. 

“The time we spent in Fillory, looking for the key, we had this whole life together even when I had a wife and a son, even when my wife died, and our son left home. It took us a while to sort our shit out, but we were in love. We were happy or at least I thought we were.” Jules said nothing, only running a comforting hand through his hair and waited for him to tell her the story she was missing. “So we lived together for fifty years, and then he died.” Julia’s hand paused for a moment before she forced herself to continue. “I found this tile in the ground while I was burying him, the missing piece to the puzzle. So I had the key until I gave it to Jane Chatwin, and then Margo stopped us from going in the first place.” 

“How do you remember it if it never really happened,” Julia asked. 

“No idea” Q replied, “But we both do. Did.” 

“Okay, so what happened when you got home? I-if it wasn’t like that?” 

Q swallowed thickly before continuing. “I asked him, said we had fifty years’ worth of proof that we would work and he basically said that it had only worked because he didn’t have any other real choices.” He wiped a single tear away quickly. “So I just tried to move on. A lifetime should really be enough for most people” Julia could feel her heart shattering as his voice cracked over the end of the sentence. Everything made more and less sense than before. 

Julia couldn’t get her head around why Eliot had turned him down. She knew he was head over heels for Q. For a moment she was sure she could strangle him, monster or no monster. Then another piece of the puzzle fell into place. 

“So when he said that thing about proof of concept?” 

“Yeah, that’s what he was talking about. That’s how I knew it was him” 

“D’you think—” 

“I can’t think about it, Jules. It hurts enough as it is.” 

“Okay.” 

There weren’t any more words that needed saying. Quentin settled against her, and she started stroking his hair again. Julia still had plenty of questions, but for now, they weren’t important. Tomorrow they would have to start planning, but for now, they lay there, both deep in thought, breathing in tandem until the sun began to rise again.

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from the TØP song of the same name. I have fallen head first into the Magicians in the past week and a half, and my brain keeps bringing up sad season 4 things. So here I am ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


End file.
